Where are you?
In a non slutty way
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
