there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
