I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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