I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
