Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
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