Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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