he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
