So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
