that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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