My liver just broke up with me...
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Success! We fucked roommates!
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