I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
