I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
