im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
