roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
