I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
