For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
