is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Sober January is a disaster.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
