You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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