If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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