I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize