hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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