I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Oh god it's open bar.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
