So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
