My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I just found a bag of teeth...
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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