I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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