i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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