The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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