i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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