She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
