i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Randomize
