Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
