I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
