I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
