Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
