we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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