My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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