go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
