i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
