We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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