she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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