i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Randomize
