One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
