If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
