White coat. Heels.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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