how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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