The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
