Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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