You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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