I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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