I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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