your parents love me but you hate me
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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