I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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