so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
