I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I have fence marks all over my body
Randomize
