I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
It's blow job season.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
