I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
