3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize