Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
