so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Randomize
