who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
