I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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