she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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