I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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