Moan for me like Helen Keller
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize