no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
