Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
