She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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