hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
