need another drink. this is the easiest way
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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