Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
