it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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