I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
