Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
