You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
